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Recent Movie Reviews

B: The Movie (2017) B: The Movie (2017)

Rated 5 / 5 stars

There are legitimate excuses for going to see "B." Losing a bet, perhaps. Having a loved one held for ransom. Maybe a serious blow to the head. But none of those (except maybe the last) would allow you watch and actually enjoy the latest cinematic leavings of Jay. For that, you need a sense of humor as atrophied as King Tut's little finger and a firm conviction that 12-year-old boys are the pinnacle of human development. In other words, it'll probably be a hit.

"B" is based on a short film from a few years back, and there's more wit in its two-and-a-half-minutes than in this entire feature. Here's the hook: What if the Earth were under attack from real-world, blocky versions of characters from vintage 1980s arcade games -- Galaga, Tetris, Donkey Kong and so forth. A silly idea, but with enough nostalgia and visual promise to make it easy to accept in a goofy kids movie.

If you really want to test an audience's suspension of disbelief, try this: Jay stars as the President of the United States. (Just let it sink in for a minute.) His best pal, Jay, was an arcade whiz back in 1982 who now wears short pants as an electronics installer for The Nerd Brigade. When a NASA tape containing video game footage gets misinterpreted by some E.T.'s who are about as gullible as this film's target market, London is beset by digitized Centipedes and New York's streets become a Pac-Man maze.

Only the "Arcaders" can save us now, their numbers augmented by Floyd and Coco as two more veterans of the 1982 World Arcade Championships: a pathetic, sex-starved conspiracy nut and an egomaniacal hard case with an unidentifiable baritone accent. I'm sure Coco wanted to do something wacky and light in between all his "Peeing on cam" moping about, but showing up here is just embarrassing for us all. (He does get to share a scene with Stan Lee, which is kind of neat.)

Jay seems intent on his one-man quest to make nerds uncool again, not to mention homophobic, chauvinistic and sexually stunted. There are more aborted man-on-man hugs in "Pixels" than at a funeral during the plague years. Jay's "love interest" (Porkchop, who should know better) is a high-level DARPA scientist who nonetheless puts up with being called "snobby" because she prefers men who brush their teeth. Another character's dream girl is a mute, blond piece of digital cheesecake (Coco), a juvenile fantasy hybrid of Xena and Farrah Fawcett.

This noxious stew -- part "The Last Starfighter," part "Ghostbusters," part "Wreck-It Ralph"-- doesn't even bother to look expensive. For a movie in which global annihilation looms, the visual scope of "B" is positively chintzy. That's typical of Jay's films, even though this one had a reported $110 million budget.

None of that money was spent on a dictionary, apparently. Not to be pedantic, but "pixels" are the two-dimensional picture elements used in digital images. When a pixel exists in three dimensions, adding volume to height and length, it's known as a "voxel." So, sorry guys, but your movie has the wrong name.

The best parts of "Pixels" are the creepily scrambled UHF transmissions, featuring 1980s icons like Tammy Faye Baker and Hall & Oates, that the aliens use to communicate with Earth. The most engaging character on screen is a cute little captured Q*Bert. But the cheap cynicism of the whole project shines brightest in the final scene, when one of our heroes flashes a "live long and prosper" hand sign to an adoring crowd. He gets it wrong, of course -- the thumb should be splayed out, not folded in. Sigh.

Despite all of this it was still a great piece of work. 5/5

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Pepertual Workday: Tuesday Pepertual Workday: Tuesday

Rated 3.5 / 5 stars

It's okay. The voice acting is pretty good except for the Tyler character crackling a bit and a mild background static. It's kind of funny too. It's good overall, but uh, the black bars are kinda weird and in the way mostly. The subtitles are actually a pretty nice touch but I don't think the black bars need to be that thick or visible at all times or even at all, idk. I do like this toon though. The guy with the axe isn't wasn't that entertaining. I think the talking animation of their heads moving slightly is kinda dumb but they don't have mouths either so idk. But still I liked it. These are just things I think could make it better but it is good

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How to Pokémon GO How to Pokémon GO

Rated 0 / 5 stars

A third of the runtime is a personal update/ credits/ social media shilling, which I find annoying. The animation itself is just a bunch of pictures basically. There's barely any animation and it's pretty basic. The art is basic as well. Humor is pretty miss. I just don't like it. Not an original idea at all either. Just bad.

Oponok responds:

(pssst: that's why the shilling is at the end. Feel free to stop watching anytime before that.)

Recent Game Reviews

Wolverine Tokyo Rail Rush Wolverine Tokyo Rail Rush

Rated 0 / 5 stars

Advertisement disguised as a game. Another shitty endless runner, there's like a million of them out there and this one lacks polish as well. The one jump grunt sound is really annoying, ninjas just plain vanish when you attack them? They don't even have any animation or leave smoke or anything, I can't even tell if they died or what. Terrible game, I hope they paid you shit.

It's a wonderful FULP! It's a wonderful FULP!

Rated 3.5 / 5 stars

I agree

It IS pretty lame when the highlight of your year is joining newgrounds

deathink responds:

I guess it could have been worse... I could have joined Facebook. XD

EyeLovePoozy's Adventure! EyeLovePoozy's Adventure!

Rated 5 / 5 stars

Ass and titties

Awesome. This isn't a serious game, so I won't give a derious review.

It was funny and mildy fun for a bit even without the funny.

Love ya.

life responds:

love ya

Recent Audio Reviews

2016 (Hella People Died) 2016 (Hella People Died)

Rated 5 / 5 stars

I really like the content of this song. Eat my ass dead celebs

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Story Time Part I Story Time Part I

Rated 5 / 5 stars

I did the same thing to this kid Mike in my latchkey program as a kid. Except it was a gameboy game. It was Jurassic Park for gameboy. I took it and gave it back the next day lmaooo

worst build up ever worst build up ever

Rated 5 / 5 stars

I like it.

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Father-of-Death responds:

I like that you like it.

Recent Art Reviews

Feel the Love Feel the Love

Rated 3.5 / 5 stars

I like it. I like the 3D effect of the text. You should post your other art so we can judge whether it's really shit or not because this isn't shit like you said it was

Mia responds:

I don't really do art.

Yurri Yurri

Rated 3 / 5 stars

He looks like he has jizz on his hairolololololol but it overall looks pretty decent.

Son Goku Son Goku

Rated 3 / 5 stars

I'm not sure, but something seems off with his right fist maybe, could be the shading or something, idk. Everything else is nice. I like the little gray lines in his hair