Fuck yeah.

I wish I had more control over more things. I am the master of my own destiny. Some things can't be helped or changed though. Everything's ok.

I remember saying I don't like change one time, but I'm changing a lot and I think I like it. Today is a new day! A new tomorrow! Nothing can stop me except for myself :)

I ought to take some kind of serious hobby up. Something meaningful like poetry or writing or something. I'm not sure yet and I really hope I don't get lazy about this. I'm not gonna let myself laze off. I'm gonna do something. Things are going pretty swell.

Random picture.

Things are ok after all. At first I thought they weren't but maybe they will. Be ok, that is. The things will be ok that is, that is. I don't even like, rehearse this or plan what I write all at once, I just do it as I go. Makes me sound silly in a goofy way sometimes, but that's me. A Goofy Movie was sweet. Nobody else but you. That song kinda fits how I feel at the moment, too.

EDIT: I deleted and remade this blog because I thought of something else after posting it. Everything below this is the added stuff. Lol it's a lot more than what's above.

All this internet stuff, some of it means a lot to me. It feels like it would be weird to explain this to my family in real life. I don't think they would understand. I don't think anyone would really understand. Reminds me of something Gagsy told me. I forgot the exact words, something like go outside except phrased nicely. Whenever a door is closed, another one is opened.

I can't think of anymore right now. I thought of this pic in the context of my situation. Also I know this is vague as hell kind of, but I think the exact details would be confusing and it's not just mine to post.

Also kids are annoying as hell and if you want to have kids, make sure you're in a good position to have them and if you are and then do have kids, if you want more with like, a different person because things didn't work out with the first, then blahblahblah nevermind that last sentence I think. I'm selfish probably. There's a lot of people worse off than me. I'm not even really that bad off I guess, I'm just a shit. Kinda lazy. Stuff.

Stay in school, too. Not just for the education, but for the environment. The people. Friends. Fun. It's not so bad. Even if you just wanna take a break from it, maybe like take a year off, don't. Things change constantly. You'll have a better education, more fun with more people that you know and can help you, can you can help them too maybe. My mom says you need some sort of an "in" unless you're really qualified, and even then you have better chances with an "in".

I'm putting the smiley face as the post mood, but it's more of like a little tiny thing grin but not really a grin, kind of like the :/ face but the opposite. Like the :/ face implies that it might be a bitter topic and this is kind of bitter as well but also really good.

I have a lot of fun on the internet. I kind of wanna get drunk and attempt to fofrget but not really forget... It's weird and hard to explain. I'm afraid I might me like, a super sad drunk though. I've been drunk once before and I was just really silly, but I am silly usually and I didn't have anything to be sad about then. I'm afraid being drunk will just amplify emotions, not that I'm sad right now. Well I am a little bit sad, but I'm also happy too. I'm afraid the sad will get amplified while drunk and not the happy. I've only been drunk once, and I'm sort of a lightweight sort of sort of. I get buzzed easily, which makes me silly a little bit.

I can't draw at all. I'm really jealous of those who can. I've attempted to draw and I just suck at replicating images or replicating how things should be, like trying to draw people or things, I just can't get the curvaceousness ( I had put curvyness here, but spell check said that it wasn't a word and it put curvaceousness instead when I corrected it. lololol curvaceousness, is that how you say it?) right or like the lengths and proportions, even if I spend a lot of time. I feel like Chris Chan, that autistic guy who draws sonichu, google him if you don't know about him. My mom says she thinks I'm mildly autistic or something. There's a bunch of people in my family with special issues so maybe? I don't know. I'm like retarded lol. I think I'm a decent fast learner on some things, and maybe to balance it out I suck at other types of things. I was always good at math and most school academic type things, and never really had to try at all to even do above average. If I had tried harder, I probably could have excelled and went places with it. But it's ok, there's no going back. I wouldn't want to anyway. I have no regrets. Well, I do have regrets, but not on this subject. I don't think I should talk about my regrets right now, here. I should write it down somewhere private, and maybe I will, but I probably won't because I cannot be arsed. It would just make me sad anyway. Although I did learn from my regrets.

This is kind of like my diary or journal lmao. One time my mom got my brother one, and I wrote in it pretending to be him and said I'm (he's) gay. I was a stupid twat kid. I've changed a lot, man, it's weird. I mean, I know I was a shitty kid, I was really bad and broke windows and blurgh got my parents fined so much :( I feel bad now, especially since I can't pay them back because I'm a loser. I'm 18 which technically makes me an adult somewhat, but I still feel like I've got a lot of maturing I can do. I'm just a big kid. I'm different. I don't know.

Uncertainty seems to be my main theme. I don't know much about the world, how things are done. One thing I do know is that I will always remember. I will always remember. There's more to that sentence, it's incomplete, but I can't complete it here, and maybe possibly not even yet. Maybe someday.

"I can't think of anymore right now." I just said that a bunch of paragraphs back and lol because I thought of a lot more. I've been writing this for a while. Actually, I won't delete and remake this blog to get rid of the edit stamp, I'll just edit it and leave it. It documents when I first began rambling. I did stop for a bit in the middle for something very important to me though.

I'm rambling a lot, kind of running out of ideas now. Ramble blamble scramble crossing.

lalala

Shit's awesome

Just fuck it

to apply at CVS and Wal*Mart

Nothing

I went to sleep at 6pm something feeling kind of not great. Throat was guh and my head was guh, but after a few minutes laying down, my head felt a lot better. I had some strange dream thingies but some things I heard affected them while I was sleeping or half-asleep or something.

I could hear my mommy yelling down into the basement to my 15 year old brother that she had to go pick up her boyfriend from work and she needed him to watch our 3 year old sister and 5 year old brother. He complained but she left and I'm not sure how much time passed between that and the next thing. My sister was crying and whining for him to come upstairs or something, I presume he didn't come out of the basement lol, and then it got weird. It was like Twitter, more specifically the Echofon twitter add-on for Firefox. She was tweeting my brother and it was like I was on the computer seeing the tweets... yeah. It was weird for me but that's probably all that there is to describing it. I contemplated getting up to try and shut her up as she was loud and it annoyed me. Moving on to my next dream during this same sleeping session...

I was in a room and EJR and Madii were there. I think my 19 year old brother was also there maybe for a bit or something. It was dark. For somer eason I ate something off the floor and it was like... a cheesy pretzel. I'm a vegan in real life, and I guess in the dream too, although I'm not always a vegan in my dreams but I was in this one apparently... So I spit the cheesy pretzel out. What a gross thing of me to do. There were two twin beds on opposite sides of the room, against the walls, parallel. I was on a bed on one side and EJR and Madii were on the other bed together. Sounds suggestive but I don't think they were doing anything. Twilight wasn't in my dream, even though EJR and Madii were. I just remembered that my 19 year old brother WAS there and I was arguing with him about nothing although it ended playfully. I was trying to talk to the others while laying in the bed and they wouldn't talk back at first and I got mad and said "You guys are the worst (something else, I can't remember :S It was a noun and might not have even really been a word)". There was a dresser in between the two beds against a wall, perpendicular to the beds that were parallel to each other. On the side of the dresser closer to my bed, there were some loud things like plastic bags, things that made noise when you touched them. I was playing around r something and was hiding behind the dresser, on top of the loud things, and they made noise. I'm not sure if the others heard me. There was probably more that I can't remember...

I'm pretty sure these dreams were the result of my fever, as it was very strange to me. I woke up at 12amish. About 6 hours of sleep.